Celebrating the best phase of life…Childhood

Yesterday my almost 9 year old kid asked me why only kids give cards to adults on birthdays, anniversaries etc? I told her that as you grow older you outgrow the card giving and perhaps only wish or give gifts. Today being Childrens’s Day I decided to surprise my kid with a card. I wanted her to know how much she means to us. Perhaps she is still young to understand but someday she will.

Here’s wishing each one of you a Very Happy Childrens’ Day. Being an adult doesn’t mean you cannot celebrate today. After all we were children not so long ago 😉

We all go through this…yet we stay silent

Time to speak up, time to ask for what you deserve, time to remind yourself that you are human too…

Desires, rashmi, rashmi shenoy, Stigma, Wake up, woman

As I Mend…

^{Alone yet together}

I sit near a window waiting,
Its’ time for you to come home,
I see you as you look up,
A smile lights up your face.

A knock on the door, a slight tap,
Your signature rap it makes me smile,
I open the door and you walk in,
Daddy you are home.

So vivid are these memories of my past,
Was it just yesterday or decades ago,
I still see you look up at me,
No barriers blocking our sight.

I hear your voice in my mind,
Calling out to me with affection,
Years have passed since you called me so,
How I wish you would call me again.

You remained strong for me always,
Never letting me sense your fears or worries,
When you fell ill I didn’t know what to do,
I couldn’t be the strength you needed my dear Daddy.

Will you forgive me Daddy?
Wish I had done things differently,
All I wished for was a miracle,
A hope that you would get better.

I still cry and regret but I will move on,
You always will remain my strength,
You will stay in my heart till its last breath,
I shall not miss you as you are in me Daddy.

From Birth to Death…

Born in a middle class family,
A simple girl, a loving daughter,
She chose not to work but stay home,
Not different from many others like her.

She had dreams, wished a better life,
Shattered by her sister, her own blood,
Fingers accused, suspicions took flight,
An elopment drove her heart to despair.

Single, sad, wondering did she deserve this,
Her parents in shock unable to comprehend,
A happy household suddenly in perpetual darkness,
She accepted this as her destiny.

A day dawned, she became a wife,
A new house, a new city, a brand new beginning,
With love and care she set up her home,
Giving it all she had with a smile and cheer.

A mother now, her pride, her child,
The child now an adult with her own family,
She missed the laughter, the vibrant atmosphere,
Just the two of them now each growing old.

She has a grandchild a bubbly bundle of joy,
Her child has come back in her arms again,
The home filled with joy and boundless energy,
She remembers her motherhood and smiles.

Her partner for life has left this world,
All alone yet with family she grieves,
A choice to live in her home or in a new house,
She surprises all, staying in the home she built.

The life she lived for her family she misses,
Yet this new freedom she embraces with confidence,
The things she never did earlier now a part of routine,
She sounds happy and young on the phone again.

Lying in a hospital bed breathing ragged,
She is preparing to be united with her spouse,
Her thoughts stray to all who cared for her,
She lets her body finally rest in peace.

The circle of life is complete,
From birth to death it moved,
Her life well lived, her body tired though strong,
Passing through phases, struggles, dreams, sacrifices, a fulfilled existence…

A grieving heart, some wishful thinking…

Will you forgive me now?
How can i ask you anything?
Will the sorrow ever lessen?
Can i ever accept you are gone?
Who will make my pain go away?

The guilt is killing me,
I failed to be a caring daughter,
I couldn’t feel your pain,
I never asked you how you were.

I stare at your photo and see you smile,
Willing you to walk out of it any moment,
The million questions i have for you,
Wondering why i never said anything before,
Too late, too far , too troubled to let go.

The nights are the worst at times,
I lie awake crying, hating myself,
The emotions so strong and overwhelming,
I drown in my own self willingly without a fight,
The empty room reminds me of you.

My life has meaning, yet i feel lost,
I seek solace in my tears as they wet my pillow,
My mind keeps reminding me of your absence,
I yearn for a hug, your voice telling me its alright,
My heart a big hole where you filled your love.

A daughter’s poem…

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If i had another chance,
If i could only turn back time,
If i could just undo some actions,
If i had just one more chance.

Δ

Would i be more appreciative of you,
Would i treat you right this time,
Would i spend more time with you,
Would i be a better daughter to you.

Wish i could have known better,
Wish i had sat with you more often,
Wish i had been more observant,
Wish i could let you know how i feel.

Did i let you down too much,
Did you wonder what you did wrong,
Did i make you despair and wonder,
Did i hurt you, wish i knew the truth.

Unanswered questions hang like a noose,
Regret, remorse no idea what to do now,
Thoughts i cannot stop play on mind,
No reprieve from guilt as i live each day.

I saw you, loved you, yet i failed,
I wished you an eternal life, a dream,
I knew you were old, tired, ready to move on,
I couldn’t bear to lose you ever.

My prayers perhaps too much to fulfill,
My intent though sincere, unthinkable,
My need, a lot to even wish for,
My wish, a fantasy, only a dream not reality.

Thankful i am to have been your only child,
Memories i treasure of us together and happy,
Life with you a priceless heirloom i cherish,
Your gift, my life, your reward, my existence.

I still cry, i still am sad, i still grieve,
A loss i dreaded since long ,
Unprepared to deal with i struggle,
Yet i smile for i know you are in me.

If i had another chance,
If i could only turn back time,
If i could just undo some actions,
If i had just one more chance.

They say…

 

 

They say time will heal,
I say time will move on,
They say we understand my plight,
I say you can only imagine what i am going through.

They say you need to be patient,
I ask, will that solve everything?
They say take all the time you need,
I ask, will things go back to what was?

They say you are not alone,
I agree, but can you hold me now?
They say you are strong,
I say i have never felt so weak.

They say do what makes you happy,
I say it all makes me feel guilty,
They say you have a daughter to think of,
I ask, can’t i even grieve in peace?

They say you will be watched over,
I ask, can they speak to me ?
They say you did all you could,
I say, i couldn’t keep them forever.

I have been advised by you all,
I need a ear, a shoulder not words,
I have been heard but not listened to,
I need a soothing hand, a call, a prayer.

Of Love, Life, Memories…

The phone rings in an empty house,
A house which two years ago was occupied,
There lived a special couple; my parents,
They filled it with love, care, attention, hope and presence.
That house lies vacant now,
Silent in a bustling city of dreams,
The walls bore witness to a new bride,
A new born baby; a daughter being given away in marriage,
The house was a home filled with endearing moments,
Joyful memories, laughter, magic, smell of delicious food,
There were arguments, sulking, sorrow ,
Yet the house had a vibrant feel of positivity.

The smell of incense in the morning and evening,
The window closed to keep the lamp burning,
The kitchen busy as my mother prepared meals,
The radio is on and old songs fill our hearts with love and nostalgia,
It feels like just another household to others,
But to me its the world i grew up in,
The place i took my first steps, studied, read books,
The balcony, a place i stood in quietly for an alone moment.

I see all this though i am miles away,
The memories passing through vividly,
This house was once a home and not an empty appartment,
Dust covers every surface and the plants nothing but dried sticks,
No love to nurture, no memories to create, no voices to reverberate,
Just walls, some furniture, doors, curtains and rooms.

The home lovingly cared for by my parents now lacks life,
This home once beckoned to me wherever i was,
This home once opened its arms to me as i lay in bed gazing at its walls,
The front door once shined and was polished to perfection,
The rooms though small felt warm and lively,
The thought of going back to my place of birth scares me,
There is no joy just sadness, no life just a breath,
No heart only a heartbeat, no soul only a spirit.

Life dealt me a couple of painful, hard, unbearable blows,
The grief i hide and smile through is bursting to come out,
The tears welling up off and on seem to have a life of their own,
The eyes which see don’t comprehend nor do they acknowledge.

Framed photos of the ones who brought me into this world,
Feel it all yet cannot open their arms to embrace me,
As i sit here in my own home my thoughts wander,
Life does not seem fair though i have been reminded how lucky i am,
All the luck in the world,
Cannot compare to the loss of the of the only ones who stood by me,
Never let me down, took pride in my silliest conquers,
Gave me everything and more than i can even think of,
Their eternal silence a reminder of their absence forever,
I have been told i am strong, that time will heal everything,
Words can be said, emotions cannot be explained nor felt by others,
My grief at times makes me wish i was with them now,
I am constantly reminded i have a family, a child to care for,
I do my best to bury my feelings though i cry within,
Their eyes follow me yet cannot console me now,
I think of them everyday, i pray for them to be at peace,
Life i know will go on without them,
I will also learn to live without them by my side,
But i will carry their memories, their love, their feel in me for life.

An ache, a thought, priceless memories

Today, so many years ago i was born. I can picture my father cradling me in his arms for the first time. His eyes perhaps moist with tears of joy. I wish i could see him as he held me then . 

Now, all i have of him is wonderful memories, priceless and only mine to treasure. I try to go back in time to the days we shared, the conversations we had, the advise you passed on. But my mind shows me only selective moments time and again. 

As i look at your picture i wish its’ not true. I wish you are still with me not just in memory but in person too. As i see daughters with their fathers i get a little jealous, my mind tells them to enjoy every moment for it maybe your last. I see grandfathers with their grandkids, on the swing, holding their bike as they learn to ride, reading stories. I wish my daughter had some more time with you, to see her grow, to take pride in her achievements, to laugh with her. 

I miss you each passing day. You were strong at heart, ready to face any situation with a smile. I am so proud to have been born to you my dear father. Though i know you lived a full life and were ready to embrace whatever was to happen, i wasn’t ready to let you go. We dint have many talks in your last days, maybe that was your way of preparing me for a life without you. I refused to accept the fact that even you could fall ill, i hoped it was a passing state and you would bounce back to your former self like always. But this time i failed to realise that your body was shutting down slowly. Did you know you had less time with us, i wonder. How would you have felt knowing that you were leaving us. Did you hear me call out when you breathed your last. 

Questions i will never get answers to i know. But, i live with those words my dear husband whispered in my ear when we bid you farewell. “He lives in you”. Yes you do my father you will always be there in me. 

To Daddy, with love

 

Saw you lying there eyes wide open,
Your breathing ragged and difficult,
Patting your cheeks holding your hands,
I wish you woke up again.

Your eyes closed for the last time,
A moment i can picture so vividly,
The life passed out of your eyes,
I hoped it was just a dream.

As you were carried to the hospital,
I willed for you to come back to life,
As i closed the door this time,
I knew you would never come back.

A person so strong at heart and body,
A mind that stayed active till the last,
You passed away so peacefully,
Just like you always wanted to.

My life your gift, my mind a bit like yours,
My heart filled with your love,
My memories of you ever so priceless,
You are within me where you will remain.

Life will go on, your presence will be felt,
Your voice will be missed,
I consider myself so lucky dear father,
To have been born as your daughter.